Codepedent Women

Unfortunately, many of us from Minnesota grew up with codependence; “Minnesota Nice” is a close cousin. It is often seen as normal and is even encouraged, especially by older generations.

The prevalence of codependence makes it hard to know what’s healthy; sometimes setting healthy boundaries can feel selfish or unkind.

If some of the statements below are true for you, it might help to consult with a therapist to learn how to recognize codependence and find out what you can do about it.

What are the roles of codependents?

Caretakers: continually puts others’ needs ahead of their own and feel value from being in a position of giver, helper, supporter, nurturer, etc. Always aware when someone needs help. Thinks, “but s/he needs help – I can’t just turn my back!”

The Messiah or Martyr: wants to save the family, organization, world. Takes responsibility for things, feels tired or stressed out, doesn’t ask for help, makes self indispensable, and thinks “if I don’t do it, it won’t get done!”

Relationship addicts: must be in a close, intense relationship with another person and be special to someone. May use caretaking, flirtatiousness and sexuality to gain approval; goes from relationship to relationship. Genuinely feels like they just prefer being in relationships.

Signs of codependence: Do you…

• Worry a lot; focus on the lives of other people: an addict, partners, children, parents, siblings, or someone needing help.  
• Feel like saying no to others would be impossible in certain situations, or feel guilt about saying no and have to make good excuses for it. “Well, I can’t just...”
• Seek to avoid upsetting or disappointing others; feel uncomfortable with others’ anger
• Feel responsible for others’ feelings, actions or well-being.
• Have concern about what others think or say about you; are really impacted by others’ feelings, words or actions.
• Have a lot of “shoulds;” do things out of obligation and feel resentful about it.
• Compromise values or boundaries, tolerate unacceptable behavior from others, or make excuses for others.
• Anticipate others’ needs, and wonder why others don’t do the same for you.
• Become preoccupied with tragedy or other people’s problems.
• Have a hard time enjoying things being good, thinking “when will the other shoe drop?”
• Have difficulty directly address conflict or asking to get needs met. Saying “No, really, that’s okay” but getting angry inside.
• See others as being either for or against you; feel offended, betrayed or let down when others set boundaries or refuse to help.
• Use if/then thinking: “If I _____, then they should ______.”
• Apologize for things often: bothering people, changing your mind or plans, forgetting things, not doing enough, soon enough, or well enough.
• At times feel overwhelmed or hopeless about someone else’s life, or exasperated that they’re not responding as expected to your help.

Life can be difficult with codependent behaviors or relationships - and it doesn't have to be! Contact me for a free consultation to learn more about how your life could be different without codependency.